Pierpont Communications, Inc.

On our first date, my husband gently tapped my knee when we arrived at the restaurant and said, “let me get the door for you.” When I went to the restroom, he stood up. When the bill arrived, I extended a gesture to pay. While he appreciated my reaching for my wallet, he wouldn’t think of letting me contribute a dime. Ten years of marriage later, he still doesn’t let me carry heavy bags and will get my door if we don’t have to orchestrate activities for our three daughters. When my glass of bubbles is empty, he fills it and gets slightly miffed when he hears me pouring my own.

Chivalry. It’s one of those principles that had stood the test of time and still exists in some form today. But what about in business? Is it appropriate for a woman to let a man open the door for them? Should a woman let a man pick up a tab even if they outrank him at their company or if he is their client?

I’ve found that it depends on the chivalry factor of the male companion you are with at the time. For example, I once had a male client who spent millions with my company. He didn’t open doors for me and had no problem with my company picking up the tab for an expensive meal. Even though he grew up in the region of southern hospitality, he seemed just fine with the unwritten rule that clients don’t pay for niceties or have to open doors for female vendors.

From the other side of the coin, there are some men who grew up with very empowered (and aggressive) women who never let men do anything for them. When I was at Southern Methodist University, all the female law students would complain about men trying to open doors for them. “Don’t they think we can open our own doors?!” would be their response to the gesture of kindness. Men who have this experience of women are much less inclined to behave chivalrously at all. Why would they, only to be chewed out for doing so? I don’t blame them.

To me, this attitude is a tragic erosion of one of the sweet aspects of our formerly male-dominated society. Men still have a need to feel important and that they are capable of taking care of a lady. For women, it’s a very kind gesture that can be enjoyed, making you feel like the princess you should embrace. So a couple of stories to reinforce why chivalry should be practiced – even in business settings.

Last summer, my company had a mini celebration where the main offices took everyone to a nice lunch offsite and with adult beverages. I was stranded in Houston working on client business and went to lunch with the other colleague who was stranded there too. While technically I was above him in seniority, when the check came, he insisted on paying. “It’s all going to come from the same place whether you pay or I do, so please let me.” He knew our company rules, and while I could have rudely grabbed the bill from his hand and pulled an “I outrank you,” I let him pay. When I informed my female boss about him paying for the expense, I cited that he was a southern gentleman and wouldn’t have it any other way. She responded, “wow, that is so rare… we don’t have any of those in California. Thanks for letting me know.” Hmm…I wonder if she went to SMU’s law school?

Earlier this year, I was at lunch with one of Pierpont’s largest clients. When the bill came, I tried to pick up the tab – insisting that my boss would not be very happy with me if he knew I didn’t buy his lunch. The client looked at me and said, “Michelle, from the second you walked in the door, you weren’t picking up this tab.” We’ve developed a nice friendship ever since and a very collaborative working relationship.

Sometimes a woman can make an extraordinary gesture to pay for a meal, but you have to be careful when you do this. A couple of months ago, I invited a high powered publisher that I was just getting to know and one of my longtime business mentors to lunch at one of my favorite restaurants. Knowing that once the bill came the two of them would try to duke it out to see who paid, I secretly paid the bill while on a trip to the restroom. When only my credit card slip came to sign, both men were taken back a bit. My longtime friend felt badly and even told me in his thank you note that he definitely was going to buy lunch next time. The other guest looked at me astonished. I casually uttered, “Since I’m the one that invited the two of you to this lunch, it really was my tab to pay.” My new publisher friend looked at me and nodded – as if he had expected me to mooch off my other friend. Needless to say, the gesture bought me huge points with my newer business associate.

So what’s the moral of this story? Being a woman in a historically man’s world has both its advantages and disadvantages. Yes, there’s still a thin glass ceiling, but one of our biggest assets is our femininity – men don’t understand it and never will. You can use it as a secret weapon and embrace the gentility that is our gender without having to “conquer” the world or break any glass at all. Trying to seem bigger, better, stronger or richer than a male companion only may make them resent you for making them feel small, so play it by ear a little. Always be prepared to open your own door, pay for the meal if the relationship warrants it but be willing to put your wallet away and let the man you are with feel like he is the shining knight in armor for you – even if it’s just lunch.